In attempt to not jinx possible 2nd pregnancy, crazy woman drops $$ on size 4 dresses

The first time around, I became pregnant with K less than 60 seconds after my husband and I decided to try for a baby. But Baby #2 is being a real tease.

I am using the Clear Blue Ovulation kit ($25 for 10 sticks. So…$100 so far? Ouch). I have an adorable app called Pink Pad that lets me track the days I’ve been intimate with a romantic red heart. I refuse to learn anything about basal body temperature because that’s getting a bit too scientific for my liking, but I’m willing to do nearly anything else to get a move on this thing.

And every single month I think–

Oh, shoot. This feels different. I am cramping days–weeks–before my period is due. And I’m so hungry, all of the time. Is that spotting? Can spotting be dark yellow or am I just dehydrated? My boobs are definitely bigger. Let me ask my husband if my boobs are any bigger. Because that’s a question every husband wants to be put in a position to have to answer.

And this month, oh, April, you are so very different from the others. It was meant to happen this month because, according to the Pregnancy Due Date Calendar, which I religiously check, Baby #2 would be born on December 31. Can you think of a cooler day to have a baby? Plus, I will not yet have celebrated a birthday that puts me in the mid-30s age range, which I have decided isn’t part of my overall family planning plan.

And I’m feeling cramps. I am tired all of the time. This can’t just be because my schedule gets all out of whack when I watch Mad Men on Sunday nights, right?

Rather than think about the possibilities, last night I did what any woman who can’t face reality does. I shopped it off. I shopped for size 4’s and I shopped for stupid peplum dresses that could accommodate no pregnant belly on earth.

You will not have the last laugh, body. When my period comes in 7 days, I will greet it in peplum.

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