10 things I don’t do now that I’m a mom

1. Look up Gig Alerts on NPR after I hear a snippet from a band I like on their early morning radio program. My post-baby take on music is that it’s kind of like that portentous lighter that follows Don throughout Season 6 Episode 1 of “Mad Men.” If it belongs in your life it will come back to you.

2. Find bands I like through any avenue other than National Public Radio.

3. Use the bakeware I purchased when becoming a new mom for no other reason than because moms are supposed to own bakeware.

4. Wear ironic T-shirts featuring cartoon characters. With a kid in tow I’ll just look like I’m an ardent fan of Grover. Which I am.

5. Eat tons of nonfat foods that are loaded with sugar. Spend Saturday mornings with my face stuck in a bowl of Frosted Flakes in chocolate milk with a sprinkle of Lucky Charms marshmallows (but just the marshmallows) on top. Part of my mom duty is to be a model of health. Plus, this baby thinks nothing of stealing my food.

6. Roll my eyes when babies cry in restaurants. Though I will roll my eyes when my baby cries in a restaurant.

7. Consider my night completely over once I put K to sleep. Anything…anything could happen between 8 pm and 8 am.

8. Cross streets without looking both ways. I did this up until I was 32 and it always worked for me.

9. Finish novels entitled “Anna Karenina.” It’s been a year since I began reading this literary masterpiece and I’ve been stuck on page 320 for at least six months. I start and stop, start and stop, ask myself why I am torturing myself, answer to myself that it’s “Anna Karenina” and I can’t die without having read it, and then start and stop the book again.

10. Worry and wonder whether pregnancy will destroy my body. A few things will change. Many more will stay the same. But now that the great pregnancy mystery is over I can assure you: take care of yourself and pregnancy will not destroy your body.


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